Friday, 1 July 2011

Booby traps

If you're a woman, chances are it sometimes feels like the whole world is staring at your chest. Do you know why? Because it is.

From the hills of Papua New Guinea to the bridges of Madison County, from the mountains of Tibet to the pissoirs of Paris; everyone is thinking about boobs, talking about sweater puppies, feeding from fun bags, assaulting police officers with chesticles, looking at jugs, making ice cream from bazoomas and owning breasts.

Personally, I am very fond of mine and if you are lucky enough to have some of your very own, why not show them some respect? Give yourself a breast exam (it could save your life). Don't shove hunks of silicone into them in the name of 'cosmetic enhancement' -- trust me, to enhance a breast is to gild a lily. The best thing you can do to show off your charlies in all their natural glory is to get yourself a bra that fits.

On that note, do you really need to sleep in a bra? I had not realised that anyone did this until I read about this "anti-wrinkle" bra. Seriously. I get that if you have gargantuan bolt-ons it might be more comfortable to strap the girls in for the night, but this is not about comfort. The woman who invented this ghastly contraption used to sleep in a regular bra with a pair of rolled-up socks stuffed between her breasts, until she came up with this and began flogging it for £45 (approx US$72):

My advice, if you are truly worried about a wrinkly chest, is to use the inventor's original (free!) method. If you're insane and think this is the sexiest look ever and would like to emulate it in your own boudoir (your partner might have a fetish for baseball catcher's protective wear for all I know), just duct-tape one of these between your bazongas:

See? Good as a bought one.

And, if you are a belly dancer, you might want to think twice about investing in one of these unless you are smaller than an AA cup:

My sister bought me one of these, with a matching belt, in India. It's a beautiful colour but I've never been able to wear the top because of all the indecent exposure.

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