Friday, 10 February 2012

Jilly the Colossal Squid vs The Green-Eyed Monster


Dear Jilly the Belly Dancing Colossal Squid and Agony Aunt,

Last week sumthing terible hapend & i dont kno what 2 do. I was in belly dance class with my friend & the teacher told me i was a good dancer but she didnt say nothing 2 my freind about her dancing being good & now shes mad @ me & thinks i am trying 2 make her look bad. and then her bf [boyfriend] said to her "well Olivia IS a good dancer" and now she thinks i am going to steel him away but i would never coz hes got chest hair & zits & is gross & so i told my friend ew no way but it made her more angrier.

Pls jilly i am only 15 this is recking my life. pls look the clip of a party we went 2 on youtube and tell me if i am really a gooder dancer than her (i dont have a video of us belly dancing soz). she is the 1 in the skanky top who looks like abitch.

Thx

Olivia


Dear Olivia

Have you ever read Shakespeare's Othello? Your beautifully expressed, heartfelt letter put me in mind of the immortal words of Iago:

"O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;

It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock

The meat it feeds on..."

The teenage years are tough, or so I am given to understand from multiple viewings of The Breakfast Club. I reached sexual maturity when I was about three years old, so puberty was pretty much over before I even realised it had started. That your species has evolved to spend such an inordinate period of time as weak, vulnerable juveniles is just one reason why it's so mystifying that, of all of the lifeforms on the planet, it's yours that's the apex predator.

I digress, however. Back to you. Or, as you would put it Olivia, "bak 2 u".

Indeed, I did look at the YouTube clip you supplied a link to but redacted because, well. Really. Frankly you and your friend are terrible dancers, but in fairness to you both I suppose it's quite hard to dance to a song called Cheers (Drink to That) and retain your dignity. Have you ever thought of paying attention in your belly dance classes?

In any event, Olivia, I'm afraid that there is not much you can do. You have nothing to apologise to your friend for apart from calling her boyfriend "gross". As to your friend's fury I can do no better than to echo the wise words of Ru Paul's mother, as quoted by Ru Paul on Oprah back in the day: "Stormy weather always passes."

Finally, let me thank you for giving me the excuse to publish my favourite photograph of all time. It's a 1957 pic of Sofia Loren and Jayne Mansfield at Romanoff's in Beverly Hills. The occasion was a "welcome to Hollywood" party for Sofia, and I think you'll agree Jayne did a sterling job of showing Sofia what Hollywood is all about. And think on this: of the two of them, who's still alive, eh? Eh?

I hope this helps.

Bestests

Jilly xo

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